"smashana vairagyam"

this is deep thought. its also rubbish and fragmented. its been written over atleast 2 months of one sentence a week, so if it makes little or no sense, it is most likely that you are not losing your mind... but then again... may be you are....

recently, i saw death. fairly up-close. not in the kinds that motorcyclists describe as the last few seconds before their heads get smashed in the pavement. but like the kinds where an aged relative who was slowly fading just ceased to exist. the post departure motions and the talks that ensue always makes one wonder what would people talk about when i am gone.

my mother taught us a phrase very early on. "smashana vairagyam" which badly/loosely translated means the divine selflessness attained at the cremation grounds. its the end result of the introspection that happens once you see the futility of living in the eyes of a dead close relative. you feel that all they did, is summarized, as good by the close ones. mundane by the ones that aren't so close, and as stern silence by the ones who watch cynically. you suddenly start looking at life from an obituary perspective. what would people say after i died. how would dad react, or mom feel or my aunt who never liked me talk of when she's consoled. what would my cousins who now look at me as an anomaly say. what anecdotes would be brought up? would it be the ones where i rebelled. or the ones where i obeyed. the ones where i was idiotic or the ones where i was brave? and after all these questions it suddenly starts to dawn... you need to live better. you need to do more for people. you need to be a better son, brother, friend, support to those so related. your desire to hoard money suddenly becomes a thing of great guilt and you wish you had done more for society in general.

the thing with SV is that it only lasts as long as the fires burn. the minute you are back home, the minute you interface reality, you start to slide back into your ways, you worry about the insufficiency of funds provided at work. the futility of asking for a raise, the promotion politics. the new car, the unpaid credit card bill that you got your tv with. all come back as if they never left, and all that is left of that moment of absolute renouncement is a shred of determination that you will one day rise above it all. i would like my V to last longer than that. i would like it to translate into everything i do. i wish to live life with complete abandon of someone connected with things but only to experience them. i wish to be rid of all things lineage driven. my investments will be in people and the things they do, not tangible assets that will give me dividends and returns when i turn 70... i want me experientially abused today... i dont want to wait until i am old and over ripe to experience life... i want to travel, move, be uncomfortable and learning everyday. i dont want tomorrow to be like today and like yesterday... a brand new tomorrow in all sense of the word. coming back to my obituary, i want it to simply read... karthik natarajan lived. fully. and i dont want people to remember me for the things i did, i want them to remember me for the fun we had together. at my funeral i want everyone all drunk and disorderly and mildly riotous. i want it attended in clothing of your determination, and i want it celebrated with the gladness of having being transferred to an exotic location for work.


funeral day playlist:
(guns and roses) november rain
(iron maiden) number of the beast
(metallica) turn the page
(pink floyd) the entire discography
(doors) ghost song
(doors) truckers song
(U2) even better than the real thing
(U2) even better than the real thing
(coheed and cambria) welcome home
(nadaka) pick any and other songs that will be determined over the course of the remainder of my life.